White Miracle Child Born To Arab Family

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! - photo by Raymond Robles

Raymond Robles

Mary of Nazareth astonished the primarily black citizens of Bethlehem with the birth of her white son, whom she named Jesus. Joseph, Mary’s carpenter husband, accepted the baby with open arms despite Jesus’ bizarre features and doubts concerning the child’s paternity.

“I’ve traveled a good deal of the Arabian Peninsula, and I’ve never seen our people have children like him,” said Mary’s cousin, Elizabeth. “Jesus has blue eyes, wavy auburn hair, and skin like golden goat’s milk. This can only be a miracle from God.”

Some skeptical townspeople seem to find Jesus’ birth less of a miracle and more a product of Mary’s frequenting of the shady local taverns, such as Bethlehem Bedlam, Abdul’s Cheap Stable and The Lying, Slutty Wife.

“She told us that an ‘angel’ told her at the well that she was going to bear the Son of God,” confided an anonymous shepherdess. “Honestly, does she think we’re stupid? I saw her talking to Daddy Gabriel, the pimp who hangs out at The Lying, Slutty Wife, not an angel.”

According to the same anonymous source and numerous other close friends, Mary and Joseph are simply too delighted in having a beloved Aryan son who will no doubt soon be famous enough to be worshipped in effigy, with all of his superbly WASPy features captured on parchment, to worry about whether Mary is actually lying about Jesus’ paternity. Most accept Mary’s story, which involves a fiery dove/ghost/spirit, an unbroken hymen and numerous unicorns, and excludes the blue-eyed “wise man” she was allegedly sighted with some nine months ago.

“He’s a beautiful, well-mannered little boy,” Elizabeth added fondly. “His hair is like the fine-spun goat wool we make in winter, and his skin shines like the pale gold of the hard lentil crackers we eat for our midday meal. That’s what I call him: ‘my little cracker.’”

Mary claims to have conceived and birthed the child as a virgin, immaculately impregnated by the grace of God. In a short while, however, she and Joseph have had six children since the birth of Jesus. Unremarkable in appearance when compared to Jesus, and often ignored, the four boys and two girls have been named Darky, Mud, Other One, Darky Two, Brownette, and Sixth. Most close relatives of Jesus refer to the extra children as his “cousins” or “step-siblings,” or even “slaves.”

Jesus, it is reported, generally fits in with the other children, though he has shown odd tendencies to buy his tunics at a booth in a bazaar called “The Gap” and listen to soft, melodic flute music as opposed to the popular drum-based, tribal music of the village.

Despite his incongruous tastes, however, Jesus appears to be the most popular little pauper in the village. “Jesus won the other children over when he turned their drinking water into wine,” said Elizabeth. “That was good for his reputation. Before, when they were playing, all they used to do was make fun of his inability to jump.”