Human Beings 2.0 to be Ready for Holiday Season

Man-o-Soft promises a patch released next year will solve current tick-grooming incompatibilities. - photo by Andrew Cussen

Evan Bloom

A group of primates identifying themselves as “Man-o-soft” held a press conference in Eastern Africa early Monday morning to formally announce the development of the next stage of evolution for human beings.

Man-o-soft has been researching and developing this advancement for the past several million years. It has been created under the name Human Beings 2.0.

Zug, the spokesman for Man-o-soft, announced: “Today I am proud to introduce to you the newest phase in the evolution of man, Homo erectus. We have completely overhauled our old model, Homo habilis, to create a stronger, smarter, more upright human being.” He went on to explain that the biggest change in this second iteration of man’s evolution is the newly enlarged cranial capacity.

While these new improvements are considered by industry experts to be a great achievement in evolutionary development, Man-o-soft stated that Homo erectus is merely one part of a new business plan hoping to lead the firm to the forefront of natural selection. “We plan to export this new man to the Middle East, Europe, and even into Asia and Indonesia as soon as the next million years,” read their promotional pamphlets. An organization of cave dwellers in southern Spain has already started the bidding on Homo erectus.

In a question-and-answer session, Zug revealed further plans for Man-o-soft. “By the holiday season 1.5 million years from now, we would like be ready with third-generation mankind. We are currently calling this project the Homo sapiens, and our researchers are working around the clock to meet this deadline.” They plan to offer the Homo sapiens in a variety of colors such as black, brown, and limited edition white.

Industry expert Urg explained, “One and a half million years would be awfully quick to complete Homo sapiens, but if they could, it would be a huge accomplishment. It could have worldwide appeal; even the Americas would be interested in such a man.”

The announcement came just days before the World Evolution Summit, to be held at Stonehenge. When asked about the timing of this announcement, Man-o-soft officials stated that this early showing was to prove that “Eastern Africa is the new high-speed evolution quarter of the world.”

Urg explained that most in the industry thought the Middle East was going to be the evolution capital of the world. When questioned as to what the ramifications of the geographical shift in mankind’s base would be, he stated, “I know this may seem far away, but I can see a day where Homo sapiens models in America are reaping the benefits of what Man-o-soft has done in Africa.”

He went on to say that the white models of Homo sapiens in America would be able to justify listening to what he described as “rap” because of their evolutionary roots. Urg commented: “Even though these white Homo sapiens will have no visible ties to their African roots, many, especially suburban youths, will be listening to and even making music which has evolved from this geographic base of man. I call this the ‘Eminem effect.’”

When questioned, Man-o-soft denied that the rapid development of human beings could one day lead to their white models exhibiting the much feared “do-rags” or “dropping waistband” side effects.