Angry Spirit Alert Level Raised to Orange

Glook announces that there are intercave threats to caveman security that may be encouraged by the Gibbons. Some observers fear that he is pandering to “apeist” prejudice in Slashing Claw society. - photo by Ian Stone

Michael Swaim

In a public statement last Tuesday, Glook, the Head Shaman for Clan Slashing Claw, raised the Angered Spirits Alert Level to Orange after he had a dream in which he reportedly intercepted “chatter.”

In response to the alert, officials are warning tribesmen to “stay inside the cave, to only hunt or gather when absolutely necessary, and to look out for suspicious activity.”

Glook also cautioned that “anyone with dangerously light skin, little facial hair, unsloped brows, or unbent posture could be a spy for the Angry Spirits.”

Though the high Orange Alert level has caused many to stay indoors, others are critical of the Head Shaman’s warnings. “It’s all a sham used to frighten us into submission,” said local wall painter Mukg. “Glook just wants to fuel his war with the Gibbons in the neighboring cave.”

The Gibbons, whose supply of ripe guavas has been seen by many liberal thinkers as “the true cause of Glook’s war,” have sent several volleys of feces against the tribe’s cave in the past months.

Klag, who recently challenged Glook for the position of Head Shaman, has used these fecal attacks as a platform from which to undermine Glook’s credibility. He questions the validity of the Orange Alert and claims that Glook’s decision to raise the alert level is “merely an attempt to frighten the people into allegiance.”

Glook publicly defended his actions during a debate with Klag, chiding his opponent for calling the Gibbon conflict “the wrong war, wrong cave, wrong time.” He said the Gibbons are “a threat to our safety and must be stopped. They are constantly coming up with new ways of harming us,” he continued, “and we must be resolute and stalwart if we ever hope to beat them at their own game.”

To this end, Glook unveiled his proposal for a pre-emptive strike against the Gibbons and outlined plans to train all able-bodied men “in the subtle art of fecal projection.”

In a surprise turn of events, Glook then fell into a trance-like state and reported that “the spirits are angry at you non-believers. They say to follow Glook and defeat the Gibbons, or there will be dire consequences.”

When faced with these portents, opponent Klag responded, “Oh, come on!” but was quickly buried under a barrage of offal from the enthusiastic crowd.

With the obvious endorsement of the spirit world, most political analysts agree that it is doubtful that Glook could lose his position.