Mitotic Division on the Rise, Prompts Overpopulation Fears

The Amoeba Pope graphically illustrates the Church’s sanction on cellular division. - photo by Michael Swaim

Michael Swaim and Dan Zembrosky

By Michael Swaim and Dan Zembrosky

Content Editor and Business Editor

A recent study showing a dramatic increase in population has made researchers around the globe fearful of the potential threat of overpopulation.

According to the study, the mere mitotic division of one cell can result in two cells. “That might not seem like much,” explained Nameless Amoeba, author of the report, “but you must realize that each of these ‘daughter cells’ can themselves split into two further cells.” His report projects an exponential population growth, with the entire population “doubling at each round of division,” but many have claimed that such a projection is “unfounded in the laws of math or science.”

“Nameless Amoeba is deluding himself,” charged Nameless Amoeba last Wednesday at a committee hearing on the matter. “Everyone knows that division results in fewer of something, not more. If anything, we should be multiplying, not dividing.”

Despite the mixed opinions on the study, older cells have been particularly outraged by what they see as “the asexual promiscuity of the younger generation” described in the report. “I remember four days ago, when I was a young ‘un, this sort of thing wouldn’t have been tolerated,” said local senior citizen Nameless Amoeba. “If a girl was dividing on day two, everyone knew she was a slut, and not to be dealt with. Nowadays, kids think nothing of dividing two or even three times a day.”

Nameless Amoeba said that she had many difficulties in trying to keep her own children from dividing and tried many tactics to prevent it. She even told them they would be struck blind if they divided too rapidly, but the warning had no effect on them.

“To be fair,” she added, “I guess they were blind already.”

Other reports corroborating the startling rise in child sexual activity have begun to crop up. These cite such disturbing new trends as “sex bracelets,” “seven milliseconds in heaven,” and indecent overt public displays of cellular cleavage.

President Nameless Amoeba has responded to the reports by suggesting that schools “institute safe sex classes in an effort to inform young people and prevent unwanted division.”

Many believe the only way to combat this trend is to provide individualized attention to impressionable children. “It is the responsibility of the parent cell to keep a close eye on their offspring,” explained Planned Mitosishood volunteer Nameless Amoeba. “The second you see that young cell’s RNA starting to duplicate, sit them down and talk to them like a mature membrane about the responsibilities of cellular replication.”

One device being used to combat the unwanted division of cells is the “safety bubble,” a semi-rigid membrane which is fixed around the child. Another way to curb excess population, say top scientists, is to kill one of the daughter cells—this solution, however, has been harshly condemned by the Amoeba Pope.

“Let us not forget that Nameless Amoeba died for our sins, for every cell alive and those yet to be divided,” advised the Amoeba Pope. Current debates on cellular abortion hinge on the question, “At what point is a daughter cell differentiated?” explained Nameless Amoeba, head of Biology at Amoeba Hopkins University.

The ethical judgment presents a sliding scale of admissibility as to when and if such a cellular abortion could be performed. “Some claim life begins at organelle replication, while others insist it is not until cleavage that a cell is autonomous,” continued Nameless Amoeba. “Furthermore, the most difficult question is, ‘which cell was the original?’”