Gay Couple’s Separation Threatens Sanctity of Heterosexual Divorce

Lance and Billy: out and on the outs. - photo by Andrew Cussen

Jimmy Bennett

Homosexual partners Lance Bruceby and Billy Hanzabar sent shock waves through the Vermont gay community yesterday when they sought to terminate their relationship. Their separation is being challenged on the grounds that it amounts to a divorce, a right not granted to homosexual couples.

Catholic Bishop Bob Barr explained, “divorce is a sacred institution between a man and a woman wherein the woman decides she can’t put up with the man’s bullshit anymore and leaves. The man then avoids paying his alimony and child support.” He added, “If their divorce is truly blessed by the Lord, the man and the woman appear on the Jerry Springer show.”

Representing the Vermont queer community, Priscilla Barnes of the American Civil Liberties Union said, “homosexuals deserve all the rights and privileges of heterosexual couples, including the holy institution of divorce.” Said openly gay Vermont resident Tom Walker, “I don’t see why this is even an issue. Gay couples have all the same kinds of quarrels as heterosexual couples. We get mad about the same things, like when our partner rolls the toilet paper the wrong way or votes Republican.”

Bruceby and Hanzabar seem relatively unaffected by the controversy surrounding their separation. “To be honest, I couldn’t care less about all this gay-rights hoopla,” Bruceby said, waving his hand in a dismissive manner. “I just want equality. That and I can’t stand to live with a man who sticks his dick into anything with two legs and a hole.”

Hanzabar categorically denied any allegations of sexual infidelity. “He said that?” he exclaimed, placing his hands on his hips. “Oh no he didn’t!”

“Besides,” he added, “he’s the one with the doctored photo of Justin Timberlake on his desktop. Cry me a river, bitch!”

Nevertheless, their separation is being used to reignite the battle against gay marriage and divorce. “For it is written in Scripture,” Bishop Barr said, “that divorce is a sacred institution between man and woman.” When asked where in Scripture this is written, Barr began leafing through his Bible. “Let’s see here…no meat on Friday…no bowling on Sunday…no clothes with more than one fabric…gee, I could have sworn it was in here somewhere.”

“Well,” continued Bishop Barr, “I’m just grateful that they don’t call same-sex civil unions marriages. If they did, then it would surely tarnish the immaculate, divinely blessed institution.”