Miracle Diet Pills Really Just Tapeworm Eggs
Megaslim: the cheap alternative to diet and exercise. - photo by Andrew Cussen
Michael Swaim
An FDA probe into Megaslim, the new “miracle diet medication,” revealed that the pills, which are sold out of a Wisconsin warehouse, are in fact nothing more than infant tapeworms.
Randall Corman, CEO of Fly By Night Inc., the company which manufactures the pills, has been under legal investigation since several of his patients complained of “cramping, gas, and tapeworms.” Corman defended the legitimacy of these pills, saying, “the vast majority of my clients have been overjoyed with their results.” Corman has also set up a “testimonials” page on his website, where former patients can write in to voice their opinions of his new drug.
Mary Shechter of Minnesota had this to say: “Megaslim has changed my life. Now, I eat pizza and donuts for three meals a day, and I still lose weight! When friends ask me what my secret is, I have to giggle, just thinking of that cute little tapeworm, feasting away on my intestinal wall.”
Utilizing technology similar to that employed in the packaging of sea monkeys, Corman suspended the infant tapeworms in gelatin and began selling them as diet pills earlier this year. His advertisement, which ran in a local newspaper, promised “fast, noticeable results” and “only minor parasitic infestation.” It is with this that the FDA has taken issue.
According to Jeremy Franklin, head of the FDA’s investigation into Megaslim, a tapeworm infestation is anything but “minor.” “Tapeworms are not to be taken lightly,” he told reporters Tuesday. “Once infected with a worm, a subject can experience diarrhea, gastral cramps, weakness, fatigue, malnutrition, and a dangerously sexy waistline. Though adorable, tapeworms should be considered a serious health risk.”
Following the FDA’s study, Corman and Franklin met with litigators and have since come to a settlement in the case. After agreeing to add “may cause tapeworms” to the list of side-effects, the FDA has officially approved Megaslim for sale and dispersal to the general public. Corman, overjoyed with the decision, says he is looking forward to “thinner citizens, fatter worms, and ten percent of the sale revenue.”
With his legal troubles behind him, the CEO plans to expand Fly By Night Inc., adding new products to their line of pharmaceuticals. “For now, we are going to keep the focus on weight loss,” says Corman. “We have several new products ready for market. For those who want faster results than Megaslim offers, we are proud to announce Ipecaxin which guarantees results within three days of beginning your regimen.” Ipecaxin, whose sole ingredient is Ipecac extract, an oil commonly used to induce violent vomiting, is what Corman calls an example of “creative problem-solving.” “Just take a dose after every meal, and you’re on your way to significant weight loss,” he said.
Along with the release of Ipecaxin, Fly By Night will reportedly be releasing a line of tooth whitening kits and breath mints.
Another drug, Hydrochlorothin, currently in the development stages at Fly By Night Inc., is one Corman promises will “revolutionize home weight loss.” “Those who are desperate to lose weight quickly and are willing to put up with some unpleasant side-effects will want to look for this product in the future. This new medication is an amazing cream, composed primarily of common hydrochloric acid. Simply apply to problem areas, and watch the pounds melt away!”
Though excited about their new products, Corman says he is the most enthusiastic about Megaslim, the drug which has so far made the company several billion dollars in sales revenue.
This week, Fly By Night Inc. unveiled their new Megaslim spokesman, Timmy the Tapeworm, who Corman hopes will “open the market up to a younger audience.” According to Corman, Timmy’s X-games style skateboarding and slogan, “I eat what you eat, dude!” are expected to make the new drug, “Megaslim Jr.” a big hit among overweight children.
He added, “I just want to help people.”
