Sun God Comes to Life, Rampages Across Campus
Colin Parent
Staff, faculty and students alike were surprised Monday morning to discover that the Sun God had come to life and was running amok across the UCSD campus. When the dust settled late Monday after the Sun God’s rampage, property loss was estimated to be amongst the millions. Although no casualties were reported, several virginities were claimed missing.
“It was huge!” said Muir Sophomore Karl Lebowitz. “I got up around 11 and headed toward Sierra Summit for some breakfast, and there was this gigantic psychedelic Devil-bird peering into the girls’ shower on the sixth floor of Tenaya.” Lebowitz added, “Sun God’s gonna rule this year.”
The newly mobile sculpture, nicknamed the Giant Living Sun God by witnesses, was first sighted early in the morning as it was climbing down from its regular perch on the Sun God lawn. It was reported by witnesses to be nursing an enormous bottle of cheap vodka.
“Damn, that rainbow-bellied, spike-headed bird-monster sure was getting drizunk ,” said Warren Junior Leonard Nguyen. “I figured the Sun God would know better than to chug Popov. He’s gonna be hurtin’ in the mornin’, shiiiit.” Nguyen also added that the Sun God was “Totally awesome.”
Witnesses say that the Sun God went directly from its perch to the Old Student Center, apparently in search of more alcohol.
Marshall senior Maria Hiero expressed mixed feelings about the Giant Living Sun God. “I was sort of scared,” said Hiero, who originally encountered the Giant Living Sun God as it ripped the roof off of Porter’s Pub. “but after that enormous tie-dyed peacock started shotgunning entire kegs like beer cans, I knew everything was gonna be a-okay.”
After clearing out the Student Center of its intoxicants, the Sun God made its way across Library Walk toward Round Table Pizza.
“This huge, drunk, multi-colored toucan came lumbering down Library Walk, shooting these awesome laser beams out of its eyes. All of us were shouting and cheering it on,” said Randall Sanchez, a graduate student in the Physics Department. “When it burned down Student Health, I thought things were getting a little out of hand. But then its lasers vaporized the clothes off these hot sorority girls, which was totally sweet.”
“I knew something was up when I was walking to class,” said Marshall Senior Raul Rodriguez. “The Sun God’s perch next to the Faculty Club was missing its usual tenant. You know, the one that looks like Van Gogh swallowed all of his oil paints and threw up on a giant mutant chicken?”
Rodriguez decided to forgo attending class Monday to join the throngs of students that began following the Giant Living Sun God as it ran wild across UCSD, leaving destruction and drunken hookups in its wake.
“We followed it as it walked through an ‘A’ parking permit lot, and it crushed all these professors’ expensive cars,” said Rodriguez. “But it stopped right on top of this Lexus to ask this hot girl in a short skirt for her phone number. And got it! I shit you not.” Rodriguez added that the Sun God was “definitely the best thing at UCSD.”
Reports indicate that the Sun God treated its followers to drinks at Round Table before breathing fire on it and burning it to the ground. Afterwards, it made its way to RIMAC field. There, the Giant Living Sun God summoned an enormous rainbow-colored magical guitar and began playing a set for the awestruck crowd of students.
“The Sun God was totally rocking me out!” said Revelle Junior Kimberlee Johnson. “It was totally uncharacteristic of boring old UCSD to have an impromptu concert by an oversized seagull on LSD. I just wish the Sun God walked around the weight room to get there, instead of through it.”
The Sun God was restored to its traditional location on Sun God Lawn by a team of construction workers called off of the new Eleanor Roosevelt campus late Monday afternoon. The Sun God did not apparently resist the attempts to reaffix it to its pedestal because, as sources indicate, it had passed out.
