Martian Soil Examined

‘This is some primo shit,’ NASA reports

The Mars rover sets up a sample line of some “seriously high-quality terrain.” - photo by Michael Truex

Michael Truex

NASA scientists have announced that after sophisticated “sniffing” tests of Martian dust samples, they have detected “compounds that are extremely important to future science” and are now planning to tailor the Mars mission to allow for the collection of further samples. Pausing to brush away pale pink dust from his upper lip, head scientist Dr. Bill Myers emphasized that the discovery represented “some seriously high quality shit” that bodes well for the future of space travel.

In a press conference held at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory’s main compound, mission-control engineers showed great excitement at the timing of the discovery and said that they would immediately shift the emphasis of the current rover missions on Mars from “exploration and discovery” to “bringing back some primo samples for, you know, science-type stuff.”

Fondling a Ziploc bag of the dust in his palm, mission manager John Erolson explained, “NASA scientists shipped over a sample of their latest find, and after a bit of hands-on study, let me tell you…we were as exuberant as Peruvian schoolboys who had been given candy canes.”

President Bush praised the scientific discovery and called for an immediate expansion of a new space-exploration initiative to provide for the return of samples of Martian dust to Earth for analysis. “This discovery,” said President Bush, “is a clear example of the wonders our courageous spatial entrepreneurs can reach for. This is exactly what America needs to stay high on economic expulsion. So don’t blow it, my kind astonauts.”

The President continued, “NASA’s recent find is proof positive that we need to send men out into our solar system to harvest as much science as possible.”

“And women,” he added. “We’ll send women too, of course.”

NASA engineers also unveiled a rover prototype specifically designed for such processing of Martian soil and asked reporters to “say hello to our little friend.” When asked how the prototype was finished in the few days since NASA’s initial announcement, Dr. Myers only shrugged and gestured towards a group of twitching engineers. “They were very excited by prospects for, let’s see, discovery, I think.” Despite critics’ fears that the logistics of returning samples to Earth would be prohibitively expensive, Dr. Myers believes that the process can remain economical. “Bringing the fragile, precious powder back to our planet may seem daunting, but if we heat the powder with common baking soda it should form a readily transportable solid. Throw that in a rocket, blast it back to our labs, and we’re all good, baby.”