UC Riverside Students Sent to Community College, Can’t Tell the Difference

“No trading your sandwich for lunchables and candy,” instructs Mrs. Chu to her son Derek on his first day of community college. - photo by Dan Jackson

Dan Jackson

Due to California’s recent budget cuts, UC Riverside students have been relocated to Chaffey Community College, but few have noticed the change. UC Riverside Chancellor France A. Cordova stated, “life in the desolate, mentally retarding atmosphere of Riverside mirrored that of most community colleges, so we knew our students would feel right at home.”

This shuffling of students has caused little resistance or confusion. “Is this really a different school?” asked sophomore Beth Crecey. “I could swear I just sat through the same long-division lecture I had at UCR.”

Chaffey Community College was chosen as the replacement university because it offers the same features as its UC counterpart.

Students report “stumbling over half-conscious junkies in the restrooms” and “making an arduous two-hour commute over a sun-parched highway,” just like at UC Riverside. Chaffey also offers the same San Quentin Federal Penitentary-esque architecture as UC Riverside, with little room for natural sunlight or escape.

Student Derek Chu was dumbfounded when he heard the news. “I can’t believe I’m not attending UC Riverside!” he exclaimed when informed of the switch. “The over-crowded classrooms with the lack of fire exits are so alike.”

Though some criticize the new move, most praise it. “We at Chaffey believe we can surpass the education level at UC Riverside,” said a Chaffey faculty member. “For instance, our library contains two stacks of books — one more than Riverside.”

Faculty excellence is comparable to that of U.C. Riverside — most professors have received their Bachelor of Arts degrees from DeVry, Bryman College, or University of Phoenix. Like most UC Riverside professors, the Chaffey faculty average six packs a day unfiltered.

“Like my last Intro to Physics professor, Mrs. Chamberlain asks the class questions and cries when the class stares blankly,” reported junior Chris Oliver.

Many former UCR students are still incredulous of the change. “Are you sure this isn’t UC Riverside?” asked sophomore Maria Goldstein. “You wouldn’t think that community college students would have the same gapped-toothed, drooling mouths, or lurching, labored gaits.”

A small minority of students, however, have indeed been able to notice the change. According to senior Ben Rivera, “I began to suspect something when I noticed more expectant mothers at my study groups. However, I knew something was really amiss when I read in the school paper that the student suicide rate was only 1 in 4.”

Some students fear that attending a community college will put them at a disadvantage in the competitive in the job market. Chancellor Cordova disagrees, insisting, “Limousine drivers, McDonald’s shift managers, crash test dummies, and Hooters waitresses will always be in demand.” She added, “Why, just the other day a former student bagged my groceries for me.”