Moses Returns to Smite FOX Studios
Damns network for false idolatry, My Big Fat Obnoxious Fiancé
Moses calls forth fire and brimstone upon the FOX headquarters. - photo by Andrew Cussen
Abe Epperson
FOX headquarters reported Friday that Moses, leader of the Jewish exodus and Prophet of God, returned to earth to admonish the American media and public for their devout exaltation of the show “American Idol,” currently the most popular program on television.
Gerald Butts, FOX headquarters front desk security officer, reported, “Around noon, Moses entered the lobby clutching the original stone tablets listing the ten commandments.”
He continued, “Moses showed apparent confusion over the mechanics of the elevators in the headquarters lobby, set fire to an elevator shaft with sparks flying out of his staff, and then took the stairs.”
Once at the top floor, Moses entered FOX’s Board of Director’s conference room, where he announced that “those who envy or calumniate great men hate God, for there is no other God.” With the “intense fortitude of one-thousand men,” Moses scolded and spanked President and Chief Operating Officer of Fox Entertainment Peter Chernin and Co-Chief Operating Officer Chase Carey, calling them “damned Levites” and “sorry excuses for humans.”
In the commotion, Simon Fuller, creator of “American Idol,” argued, “My show brings hope to the common man. In spite of all our mediocrity, we can achieve something great, fulfill the hopes and dreams of every schoolchild, and send music and love across the world!” With his staff, Moses silenced Fuller by parting his body in two.
Carey later reported to sources that Moses kept the Board of Directors entombed within the conference room “until we had our ten commandments memorized.” According to Chernin, Moses’ anger was directed at FOX and the American public’s violation of the first commandment, which states, “thou shalt have no other gods before me.”
Further investigation concluded that last year’s “American Idol” champion, Ruben Studdard, went missing hours after Moses’ confrontation with the Board. Maria Canon, Studdard’s maid, heard a “large Biblical sound” coming from Studdard’s study and witnessed “beams of heavenly light peeking through the cracks of the study door.” Canon also admitted that Studdard, during last season’s show, had constant visitors throughout the contest. The visitors, who had what Canon described as “fiery red eyes shrouded in the black robe hoods” uttered “cursed words of sinful evil,” leading her to believe that Studdard’s victory last year “wasn’t because he has an angelic voice.”
Before Moses let the Board out of the conference room, he reminded them of the fate of unrepentant idolaters and idols alike: “a cruelly slow and just descent into hell for eternal damnation.” Moses warned the Board that “in time, ten pestilences will plague the nation.” He then set fire to a plastic plant in the conference room and ascended through the window into the sky.
Carey stated that Moses’ prophecy of pending plagues came as no surprise, for “it’s obvious a few are already in place, I mean, ‘Who wants to be a Millionaire’ is still on TV.” Other Board members agreed that plagues include the HIV virus, Jar Jar Binks’s possible return to the screen, and a revival of the Taco Bell Chihuahua.