NEWS
IN BRIEF
Area Man Denied Federal Bailout Grant
Forty-two-year-old Walkerville mechanic Fred Gruberman expressed anguish in a public address on Friday that the government had denied funding for his combination hair salon and car parts garage.
Having spent his stimulus check on another month of High Definition cable service, Gruberman realized that his industry was in danger of liquidation unless Barack Obama’s policies made explicit provisions for his joint automotive and cosmetology venture.
“The government should never let any young entrepreneur fail,” explained Gruberman. “Failure just isn’t the American way.” Gruberman further defended his petition for a government monetary loan by noting that “even Obama would do the same if he were in my place in the industry.”
Gruberman concluded his speech by warning “Uncle Sam” that he may be forced to “sell his prime real estate to Chinamen” or “vote republican next time.”
Top Ten
Worst Times to Hear a Zipper Unzip Followed by “Bow Chicka Bow Bow”
- When you’re alone in the bathroom
- At your grandmother’s funeral
- Backstage at the Jonas Brothers concert
- Following “If anyone knows why this couple should not be wed...”
- As Associate Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg hands you the bible
- During a platonic hug
- After you say “trick or treat!”
- During the Pee Wee Herman retrospective
- While getting your teeth cleaned
- After you ask for butter on your popcorn
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