MORE IN THIS ISSUE

ARTICLES

• Inebriated Student Accidentally Takes Wrong Midterm, Sets the Curve
• UCSD Police Unveil New Drunk Tank for Sun God
• Iranians Finally Free Enough to Hate Freedom, Now Hate Freedom
• Born Again MacGyver Disproves Evolution Using Peanut Butter, a Baseball, a Rubber Band, and a Pocket Knife
• Bush Defiantly Rejects Proposed Antibiotics, Cough Worsens
• UCSD Issued Cease and Desist from La Jolla, Campus to Close Doors
• Man Allegedly Kills Wife, Allegedly Goes to Jail
• Al Gore Kills Seven, Blames CO2 Emissions
• North Korea Condemns Sun God, Threat Quickly Withdrawn
• Old People Going to College Still Annoying as Fuck, Survey Says
• Bee Plague Sobers Agriculturalists, Vikings
• Prisoners Denied Food Until Hunger Strike Ends
• RIAA Sues Toy-Sharing Ring, Daycares
• New York City Cracks Down on Jaywalking, Millions Trapped in Homes
• Mac Introduces New iSquad Military Equipment
• New Car Alarm Takes Names, Cracks Skulls
• New Marketing Campaign For A.S. Elections Breaks Record
• Staff Writer Composes Article While Drunk, Editor Clearly Too Drunk to Notice
• Christian Drum Circle Invades Price Center, Thousands Convert
• Dog Sleep Clinic Causes Mass Euthanasia Due to Unclear Euphemism Use

EDITORIALS

• I Wrote This Entire Article On the Wall Above the Urinal While Peeing
• I Respect My Professors Too Much to Drink
  vs.
  I Respect My Students Too Much to Come to Class Sober
• This Is the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done
  vs.
  That's What She Said
• I'm So High I Can Feel the Universe
  vs.
  Stop Touching Me

NEWS
IN BRIEF

Hillel to Celebrate the Eight Days of Sun God

A recent discovery in the Torah reveals that Sun God has been celebrated in the Jewish tradition for thousands of years. Reportedly, there was an ancient keg that the Jewish people tapped for eight days. Hillel has since bought the rights to the Festival.

Rabbi Rosenberg stated, “Now that Sun God is officially a Jewish holiday, there will be eight days of celebration instead of the traditional one.”

The Jewish buyout of Sun God comes with many other changes, including the commandment that students must consume large amounts of alcohol during all eight days. Everyone is reminded to follow the commandments of Sun God “lest they wish to be circumcised. Again.”

Top Ten

Failed Product Taglines

10. New or improved
9. What are you going to do with five bucks, other than buying a tenth of a blowjob?
8. The convenience of the middle ages, today!
7. It's not refurbished, it's new to you.
6. At least it's not AIDS.
5. Now with 20 percent more packaging
4. We put the movement back into bowel movement!
3. There is absolutely no way you could steal this product. Go ahead, try it, tough guy.
2. Official home espresso maker of NASCAR
1. It's so big you'll choke on it.

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