NEWS
IN BRIEF
Student Walking, Looking Around at All Time High
Recent on-campus surveys have revealed an intriguing trend: a giant, one-day spike in levels of student activity, especially in the areas researchers are referring to as “walking around aimlessly” and “just looking at stuff.”
The administration is intrigued by these findings, said Vice Chancellor of Student Affairs Joseph Watson, and see it as a sign of students’ wants. “The kids are making their voices heard,” said Watson, “and we‘re giving them what they want.”
Watson then unveiled his plan to redirect funds from future Sun God Festivals towards additions to the Stuart Collection and a series of cement walkways in place of proposed new parking. “The students want more things to look at, and more places to walk,” said Watson. “Those are their priorities.”
The Stuart Collection pieces proposed include The Walrus, The Elijah Wood, and The Thing You Can’t Really Tell What It Is But I Dreamed It and It Kind of Looks Like a Snake or Something Wrapped Around a Kidney.
Top Ten
Rejected Axioms
- A bird in the hand is all right, I guess...but two in the bush, mmm, I can almost taste them.
- An apple a day keeps homosexuality at bay.
- A penny saved is one less piece of delectable hard candy.
- Company and unwashed vagina begin to smell after three days.
- A woman’s work is never done...by a man.
- Early to bed and early to rise, gets you an Arby’s special with fries.
- A fool and his money know literally dozens of cures that “they” don’t want you to know about.
- You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him have sex with you even if you lube up and bend over.
- Rohypnol makes strange bedfellows.
- Sk8 or die!
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