Continental and United Airlines Merge, Hundreds Dead

“This merger was an explosive success,” CEO Jeffery Smisek said. - photo by Hannah Weil

Nadia Sloane

Over 200 passengers, pilots and flight attendants were horribly killed earlier this month in a merger between Continental Airlines and United Airlines. Each company’s board of directors applauded politely as they surveyed the result of forcibly cramming two Boeing 777 aircrafts together.

Continental CEO Jeffery Smisek, who will serve as CEO for the combined airlines, remarked: “I think it’s been an incredible success. We took two of the greatest airlines America has to offer and mashed them together, and I couldn’t be more proud of this disgusting, leaky wreckage on the tarmac.”

Despite its purported success on the runway, the merger has faced tremendous criticism from passengers and stockholders alike.

Stockholders heavily criticized the first few suggestions for the name of the combined airline: Continental executives initially pushed for changing the name to “Pangaea,” reportedly requiring that all aircraft would also have the sub-headline “Because It’s Continents … United! Get it?” written along its length.

United executives, meanwhile, offered the simple “Even More United Airlines,” which was refused by Continental in turn. A compromise appeared to be close when executives from both sides nearly caved to repeated requests for “Cuntinental” from “that douche Bob in the pricing department,” but it ultimately failed.

The final agreement allows for the use of the United Airlines name with the Continental logo, a compromise Smisek hailed as “logical” and “much less interesting than anything we discussed earlier.”

Passengers, on the other hand, were initially concerned with recent changes being made to their airline service.

“I’m just not sure about this,” said Kitty Summers, a Chicago native. “I send my six-year-old Bobby halfway across the country by himself at least twice a year, and I’m worried there’s not going to be space for his luggage in that thing.”

“I mean, look at it,” she continued. “If they can’t fit all those appendages scattered on the runway, how are they going to fit his Transformers sleeping bag? I’m sure as hell not paying $30 to check it.”

Many consumers also expressed uncertainty regarding the airline deal, given the gruesome images unleashed from Disney/Marvel merger in early 2010.

However, United and Continental executives anticipate merging two planes will be much easier, and “less shocking,” than the Disney/Marvel attempts — one of which involved grafting Walt Disney’s partially decomposed corpse onto the body of renowned comics creator Stan Lee.

Another attempt involved an Iron Man/Donald Duck merger, but Iron Man’s armor proved to be too much for the duck’s squishy, supple body, which allegedly remains scattered over upstate New York.

In an effort to allay fears of a similar merger, Smisek has promised that the Continental/United agreement will proceed much more smoothly.

“I swear to merge all of United’s 48,000 employees and 360 aircraft with Continental employees and aircraft in record time,” Smisek said. “I don’t think it’ll take more than a few weeks to jam the planes together repeatedly until we’re satisfied.”