Internet Relaunches as Ron Paul Promotion Network

"Red pill, blue pill or batshit crazy insane pill?" Morpheus offers a young Ron Paul. - photo by Tim Etler

Alex Ahmed

Columnists and Internet analysts across the nation are clamoring to unravel one of the most drastic upheavals in Internet history. This morning at 10 a.m., assailants who have not yet been identified hijacked two outgoing data packets and sent them hurling into the twin servers of the Internet, leaving only kilobits and pieces behind where the servers once stood.

In its place rose a new and unknown Internet, the origin of which baffles even the Geek Squad. “It defies all imagination,” said the Geek Squad Führer known only as Megabitler.

“Naughty America has become Hope for America, Google is now Google Ron Paul, Yahoo! is now Yahoo Ron Paul! and Something Awful is Ronthing Paulful. The only solution the Geek Squad manual has to fix something of this scale is to add more RAM.”

He added enthusiastically, “And a two-year warranty.”

Following the online trend to shorten everything, bloggers have dubbed the network “RoPaProNet,” a phenomenon that has left the world’s porn aficionados scarred and the Spanish fashion industry disappointed.

The media are asking plenty of questions concerning the Paulternet, notably: “How will I ever be able to change my Facebook status to ‘worried’ now that my status is permanently ‘Ron Paul’?” “Where has all the porn gone?” and “How many Rons could Ron Paul Paul if Ron Paul could Paul Rons?”

As of this time, none of them have been answered. But recent developments have brought hope to citizens in the form of an organization committed to resurrecting one of the most crucial websites lost today: Baby Got Boobs, the pornographic haven of breast-lovers everywhere. These so-called “mammary maniacs” have formed a collective, Bring Back Baby Got Boobs. “We have even raised enough money to fund our own blimp,” said BBBGB President Ron Paul, “the Bring Back Baby Got Boobs Blimp.”

Paul added that, about this whole Internet thing, he “doesn’t even know.” He recalled how he first asked his campaign manager Lew Moore why he couldn’t get into the Google this morning. Moore responded, “The first rule of the Ron Paul Revolution is you do not ask questions, sir.”

Sources say that, in addition to the takeover of the Internet, Paul Clubs have cropped up across the nation, most often in warehouses or in the basements of bars. “You could tell there was a Paul Club the night before, just from the stink of sweat in the air and the dried blood caked on the floors,” said narrators.

Paul was reportedly baffled to hear this. “Have I been going to bed earlier? Have I been sleeping … later? How long have I been Google Ron Paul?” he asked, visibly tormented. “I kept asking myself these questions. I woke up in Iowa. I woke up in New Hampshire. Then I threw myself down a staircase and shot myself in the face. But I’m fine. Really, I’m fine.”